I am writing this on a laptop borrowed from my friend Wendy, because my computer is in the shop. This makes me feel grateful--not just for the computer, but for Wendy, and for other people who hold me up, who support me. Yesterday, I had to go to the public library to check e-mail. Today, Wendy invited me to her home to work. When I arrived, her beautiful dining room table was set up with this laptop, along with a sweet little tray with snacks, fresh strawberries and a hand-painted pitcher of water and glass. I felt so loved--so supported.

When you have friends, you’re blessed. Not just because they support you--but because if they truly love you, they’ll also challenge you. Friendships are an essential ingredient for spiritual growth. I don’t know about you, but even though I am somewhat introverted, I often find myself moving forward in my spiritual journey when I’m challenged or encouraged by a friend.

Last week, Wendy and I engaged full-on in the discipline of community. We spent a few days at her family vacation home in Florida with three other friends. We are all a part of the team that runs a women’s class at our church. Some of us teach, others help with admin tasks, or shepherding the women. I am a coach for the class, especially for Pam, the head teacher. I give her support as needed, step in and teach when she asks me to, try to simply encourage and give honest feedback.

The five of us decided we needed a leadership retreat that included both deep spiritual discussions and margaritas on the beach. So we spent four days in Naples. We took a well-deserved break but also moved forward in our friendships. We shared laughter, tears, and dark chocolate M&M’s. We laughed, had fun, shopped, ate, and also engaged in some pretty intense soul work.

No, really. Before we left, we did some prep work for our discussions. Wendy sent us links to websites where we could complete assessments to discover our Enneagram type. The Enneagram (pronounced “any-uh-gram“) is a personality assessment--similar in some ways to the Myers-Briggs profile, except that instead of letters like INFP, the test classifies you as one of nine types. Everyone is a blend of types of course, but it’s a way of identifying the dominant characteristics of your personality. It is an ancient way of understanding how personality relates to spirituality. While many traditions use this tool, we were looking at it through the lens of our Christian faith. (So you can spare me the e-mails about how it’s a New Age thing. It is a tool that anyone, regardless of their faith background, can use.)

We wanted to get to know each other better, and to know ourselves better. We were also trying to see how to optimize our performance as a team. How could we assign tasks according to our strengths? How could we encourage and build each other up? How could we utilize our unique personalities to make our class better? How could understanding one another make our friendships deeper?

We also needed to fearlessly look at our weaknesses--to face the truth about ourselves. And then, we had to be willing to admit our imperfections to each other--and trust that despite those, we love and support each other.

Wendy printed out for us descriptions of each type, along with information on how each of our types interacts with the others. During our retreat, we had a lot of discussions about how our personalities interact, how we can encourage each other, what each of us needs, and so on. Different types have different ways of giving and receiving love. Some enjoy conflict, some fear it. Some like structure, others need spontaneity.

According to the Enneagram assessments I completed, I’m an “Eight.” Most descriptions of Eights include words like aggressive, challenging, confrontational, energetic, strong, independent.

Interestingly, I’d read a book on the Enneagram (which comes from a Greek word meaning “nine drawing” for the nine types) about a year ago (see the review below). Reading it alone, I had trouble figuring it out, and didn’t try an assessment. I got frustrated with all the introspection--like a typical eight, I’m often more interested in what I can accomplish than figuring out which labels I wear.

But this weekend was different. Because I was in community (with women I trust), I was willing to engage. Why? Because these dear women didn’t give me any other option. They called me to honesty, even if it got difficult. Which it did. I was deeply aware of how easily I can hurt those I’m trying to lead. I got to the point where I saw the shadow side of my strengths--and felt a certain sadness and frustration with myself and my stubbornness. Without meaning to, I kept stepping on people’s toes. I cried a lot of tears of frustration --wishing I was a gentler person.

The self-awareness went much deeper than it would have if I‘d only read a book, or even done an assessment. Why? I think it was because I was learning about myself in the context of community. I had people who were willing to hear me confess my weaknesses without brushing them aside. Pam asked me piercing questions that made me squirm, but I never doubted for a second that she had anything besides my growth in mind. I heard her questions and was willing to wrestle with them because I know she’s a friend who loves me. And that’s why I wanted to do this--because I knew I was surrounded by people who saw my flaws, but were committed to loving me anyway.

Christianity is a faith that is not meant to be lived alone. Throughout the Bible, there seems to be an underlying assumption of community. Even as God chooses Abraham, he notes that his descendants will be God’s people. Paul’s letters were written not to individuals, but to churches--groups of believers. When the churches received those letters, they didn’t photocopy them and send everyone home for a quiet time. They read them aloud and then discussed and even debated them. Often, Paul’s letters contain the words “one another” as in “love one another,” or “encourage one another,” or “admonish one another.” Christianity is a one-another faith. Even when Jesus’ disciples asked him how to pray, he answered with a prayer that uses a plural pronoun: “Our Father… give us this day…”

In Western culture, we value autonomy and independence. For an Eight like me, this is especially true. While this sometimes serves me well, I need to balance my independence with inter-dependence, and with a touch of sensitivity to others. I find that real growth happens in my life when I am in relationship, when friends that I trust both encourage me and ask me tough questions, and enable me to wrestle with the truth about myself and about God.

“We need friends. Friends guide us, care for us, confront us in love, console us in times of pain. Friends cannot replace God. They have limitations and weaknesses like we have. Their love is never faultless, never complete. But in their limitations they can be signposts on our journey toward the unlimited and unconditional love of God.”

                                                                Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

I know what you’re thinking, “not another personality-typing system” to identify and understand our innate nature and how it fits in with the rest of the world and the people around us. What makes this Enneagram book different from the rest I have perused, is that it approaches the material from a purely Christian point of view. Instead of just helping us pinpoint who we “really” are, it shows us how our unique design affects all our relationships, including the most important relationship of all, with God. And, no matter where you find yourself on the spectrum in the various seasons of life, practical steps and insights are provided to guide you to become a more “actualized” you….and closer to Him.

To clear up any misconceptions about the Enneagram, and there are some, I’d briefly like to explain why a follower of Jesus can be open to this “tool” of spiritual growth, and rely on this particular book for it. The writers, a Franciscan Priest (Rohr) and a Lutheran Minister (Ebert), clearly explain that this typing system is only a tool that we might want to consider adding to our spiritual practices and disciplines already in place. They strongly state that a person from any religious, or non-religious background, can benefit from these concrete steps towards self-knowledge, but for Christians, it could help us develop a deeper spiritual connection with Jesus Christ. Remember, growth, change and transformation for the positive takes a willing heart and ultimately the power of an ever-loving God.

Recent scholarship has found clear Christian origins for this tool, which was used by Christian desert monk Evagrius Ponticus (d. 399) and the Franciscan Blessed Ramon Lull (1236-1315).

While this book covers a deep subject, the writing is interesting, engaging and thought-provoking. The authors seamlessly intertwine their individual insights and observations about the personality, without contradicting each other or coming across as preachy. My expectations of Christian books are pretty high: I want to read books that give the reader a no-nonsense, real-life approach to self-discovery and spiritual growth (which is why I enjoy Keri‘s books so much). I was not disappointed, this book held my interest from beginning to end. And, I am pretty sure that I will be referring again to resources presented in this book often in the future.

As Rohr and Ebert write, the Enneagram system is a tool, like a mirror, that we all can use to simply recognize our true selves and realize our unique strengths and weaknesses. The reader is provided with clear, practical next steps useful to moving forward in their faith. From there, it is up to us whether we want to partner with the power of the Holy Spirit, and allow it to work a transformation in us, as God is willing.

Keri will be speaking on “Rest: living in Sabbath Simplicity” at Willow Creek Community Church on May 9. Her presentation will be part of a women’s breakfast, to be held from 8 to 9:30 a.m. in the Blue Sky 1 room.

Keri will be leading several workshops at the Karitos Festival of the Arts, July 16-18, in Bolingbrook, IL. Her topics: solitude in the life of the artist, journaling and the use of story in non-fiction.